That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
