we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize