The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
3pm strippers are depressing
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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