She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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