no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
