Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
