Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
