I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
