Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
