When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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