If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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