you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
