ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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