My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
