the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
