i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
