I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
