I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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