I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
