Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
