I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
im six kinds of drunk right now
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
