I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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