Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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