Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
