I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
