Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
