Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
