it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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