i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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