I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
