feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
