just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
