I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
high people should be assigned attendants
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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