the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
