i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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