I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
