my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
