If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
