apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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