Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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