you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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