she woke up with a sticky ear
farters have to be the big spoon...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
