brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
