I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
