YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have fence marks all over my body
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm both gender and math confused
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
