I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
