Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
