Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
