I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize