Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dicks are not precious.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
