i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
