I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
