theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
