i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
