also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
