I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
