Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
