Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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