Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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