I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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