naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
