so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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