I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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