Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
