david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize