It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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