is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
