if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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